Elayne Boosler Maps Comedy Heaven And Hell On New Year's Eve
For regular folks, New Year's Eve is a joyful, liberating holiday during which revelers can relax and be merry. For working comedians, it's a freewheeling barfight with silly hats.
Good news! Research shows suicide rates in fact don't rise on New Years Eve. As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best paying night of the year. Of course, you're the only one in the whole room without a date, though people always get drunk and fight, so you may end up with one. Here's a recap of some of my fondest New Year's memories.
New York, Chicago, New York?
When Bob Costas had his late-night show, we taped a New Year's Eve Special a week early in New York City. We dressed (tuxedos) and spoke as if we were "live" ("What a great night this is!"). That actual New Year's Eve, I played a club in Chicago. After two shows, I was in the dressing room with my feet up, watching the Costas show. A waitress came in. She looked at me in my dress, looked at me on TV in my tux, looked back at me and asked, "Is that live?"Calgary, Canada
Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone. I actually had a date of my own. Unfortunately, he went back to Los Angeles while I stayed another week to finish out my contract. I explained nobody goes out celebrating again until mid January, but they wouldn't listen. From January 1st to January 7th, not only did I concurrently wear every single item of clothing I brought with me, I spent my nights talking to 400 empty chairs, eh?Minneapolis, Minnesota
The New Year's Eve I played the Minneapolis rock club was my second coldest, though they thought the weather was balmy. My driver, in shirtsleeves, pulled up and jumped out into three feet of snow. "Where's your coat?" I asked. "Are you kidding? It's zero today!" It wouldn't have mattered what I wore that night: It had been rumored that Prince was coming to see me, so the whole time I was on, the entire audience just stared at the door. When he didn't show, they were mad at me.New Orleans, Louisiana
How was my New Orleans New Year's Eve comedy gig? What can I tell you -- it's a music town.
Elayne Boosler's Map of New Year's Memories
Click on the map and revisit the places this comedian has played on a career of New Year's Eves.
Near Death On The Ocean
The middle of the ocean is a great place to be on December 31st. Not as much fun on the bottom of the ocean, which is where I almost found myself when the ship I was playing hit a huge storm. Considering the angle we were at, the ship could have limbo'd under a broomstick. She (how do they know?) was a Greek ship out of Puerto Rico, cruising the Caribbean Islands: Barbados (little straw baskets of spices), St. Thomas (the prettiest), St. Kitts ("I can't buy your beads in the ocean -- I don't swim with money!"), St. Lucia (undeveloped at the time, yet a lone, naked man -- sitting on an uncharted, deserted beach we had to row to get to -- insisted on charging us each a 25-cent user fee), Grenada (you do realize we made war on three waiters and a palapa?), Aruba (Wheel of Fortune!), Curacao ("Liquer?" It's "Liquor."), Haiti, Martinique, Honduras, Jamaica, all in three days (kidding). After my show, I stood on deck looking up at the zillions of stars and pondered life's greatest mystery: Why would they book an American comedian on a ship full of passengers who did not speak English?
Lost Vegas, Nevada
When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying. Incredibly, almost every hotel I ever played in Vegas was blown up shortly afterward: The Dunes, The Sands, The Landmark, The Aladdin, The Frontier, The Hacienda, The Stardust -- all were imploded. Plus, the Sahara's now closed -- and that Greek ship from the previous paragraph? It sank. I'm thinking of a new contract with Steve Wynn: 10 grand a week for me to stay out of his hotels. At least you can still go to Piero's for five-star Italian food off the strip. Jerry Lewis took me there, long before he decided women comedians weren't funny. Something I said?Times Square
One year, I got to host an actually live Showtime special from The Town Hall in New York City. (The Hall is dark this New Year's Eve. Again, something I said?) What we didn't know at the time was that getting a broadcasting vantage point in Times Square on New Year's Eve is akin to capturing ground in Afghanistan. Dick Clark and MTV, long-time occupiers, literally pushed us off our rigging. (I think this year, instead of dropping the ball in Times Square, they should send him off right and just drop Dick Clark.) We still had a great show; comedians, plus Wilson Pickett singing "Midnight Hour." The next day, I took everyone to brunch at Tavern on the Green, now shuttered. (Really. Is it me? And, Wilson Pickett died.)Throw A Dart At A Map
I played a New Year's Eve in Ohio where they ran short of clean forks. (This New Year's Eve, if you're going to a comedy club, bring your own fork. Trust me.) I played one in a theater in Tampa that was downtown and too solemn. If anyone from that night is reading this, I'm sorry. I played one in Wisconsin where the only thing open was a Chinese restaurant owned by Norwegians. Don't order the Lutefisk in Black Bean Sauce. I've played many in Los Angeles. Since people in L.A. are famous for leaving Dodger games in the 7th inning, I always fear they're going to leave the New Year's Eve show at 10 o'clock. I played one in Detroit where they gave me the wrong show time. When they called to see why I wasn't onstage, I was still in the shower. I think I deserve an award for being able to get into pantyhose while I was still wet. Given all this, if comedians don't kill themselves on New Year's Eve, you have absolutely no reason to. Happy New Year!
Elayne Boosler is a writer, comedian, and founder of a nationwide, all-animals non-profit rescue organization, Tails of Joy. For daily laughter, follow her on Twitter @elayneboosler. To catch up with her history, current projects, and 40 years of bad hair, enjoy www.elayneboosler.com. Or enjoy a full library of her Huffington Post pieces. Elayne's new book, Big Fun, will be published in 2012. And she may be playing a city near you next New Years Eve.
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