Shrinking The Holidays

Thanksgiving, like its holiday brethren, is a time when families get together and drive each other crazy. Luckily, there's a doctor in this house.

By JONATHAN KATZ

The holidays have always been very meaningful to me. Once autumn rolls around, there's a pretty heavy density of wonderful, memorable dates, each of which triggers some significant memories for me and my family.

For instance, I met my wife on Christmas Day, 1979. She didn’t know it was Christmas, I didn’t know it was 1979. About a year later, we celebrated our first Thanksgiving together. We were broke, so I went "old school." I went to Central Park at dawn with a bow and arrow and, that night, we had pigeon with cranberry sauce. We used the arrow as a garnish.

I went to college in Vermont, where I finally got to hunt. Or as we said back then, “I was trying to find myself.”

I grew up in New York City, but now I live in Newton, Massachusetts, a small city outside of Boston. It has been called “the safest city in America.” The truth is, I feel safer in New York City, because I don’t know what crazy people look like in Newton.

Traditionally, and this goes way back, Thanksgiving is a time we get together with the people we love -- and our relatives -- to celebrate those things for which we are grateful. This is where it gets weird for me.

I am grateful for many things: family, friends, having work that gives me so much pleasure. But why do birds have to die so I can demonstrate my gratitude?

I own a bird. His name is Nibbles and he is 13 years old. We paid a vet more than one hundred dollars to determine his gender. We couldn’t determine the gender of the Vet. He has a life expectancy of 35 years. We would never eat him -- he is one of the things for which I feel most grateful. Besides, I don't imagine that Quaker parrot goes very well with candied yams.

I try each year not to confuse the turkey my wife has prepared with Nibbles, but each year it becomes more difficult. Whether that is because of my deteriorating vision or the meds is still an open question. Either way, I think Nibbles knows what we are doing and he feels threatened. This manifests itself in two ways: First, an increase in hostility -- he bites more. And then he becomes verbally abusive.

This is the cast of characters who arrive at our home for Thanksgiving each year. Sarah and Joseph, their sons Zack and Michael and their girlfriends, our daughters and their significant others, and then my cousin Ruth.

Ruth has just finished serving 10 years of a 25-year sentence and was released for good behavior, a type of behavior I have never witnessed from her. In fact, she once locked my mother-in-law in the broom closet during dessert.

My mother in law, Shirley, makes a really delicious squash soufflé, but apparently some people don’t appreciate it. Her relationship with Ruth is particularly tense. Ruth once used Shirley’s dentures for coasters while my wife was serving hors d'oeuvres.

Shirley is either provocative or hard of hearing. Nevertheless, she keeps asking me why we named our bird "Nipples."

Dr. Katz's Thanksgiving Map

Holiday Pressure

Living here in New England, the holiday season really kicks off with the gorgeous fall foliage. The leaves are particularly compelling when viewed on the new iPad with high definition.

I like my nature indoors. Outside, it’s just too buggy. I am terrified of bees, wasps, hornets, yellow jackets and anything that makes a buzzing sound. I have finally agreed to see a behavioral therapist to deal with this problem. She is a woman, about 40, with a tiny waistline -- almost like a wasp. How do I know she isn’t working for them?

She presented her five-step plan to help me deal with this phobia. The 5th step was for me to be alone in a room with more than 50 bees. The first step was for me to be alone in a room with a dead horse. I never completed the program.

When I was a kid, the holiday season started with Halloween. My mom would put the pumpkin on the porch in August. It's what our neighbors called “premature jack-o’-lantern.”

The holidays are, for some people, the most stressful time of the year. I worry about this because the number-one killer in this country is heart disease, and the major cause, stress. And this is something we inflect on our selves. Yesterday I was buying a quart of milk and the container read: "Must sell by January 5th." I don’t need that kind of pressure. Now I’m on the phone all day trying to unload the milk.

Such pressure may have even been on the pilgrims when they first landed at Plymouth Rock, in Massachusetts. They were greeted by sights and sounds they had never seen or heard before, but perhaps even more powerful than that was their overwhelming desire to eat turkey with all the fixin’s.

When historians look back -- and that’s what they do best -- they, too, are bewildered by what was then and still remains our most barbaric ritual. At least that's what Nibbles tells me.

Jonathan Katz is a groundbreaking, multi-talented artist who is best known for creating and starring in the Emmy-winning animated Comedy Central TV show "Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist," a program that featured scores of comedians in its six hilarious seasons. In 1997, jonathan was diagnosed with MS. Weeks later, he found out what "MS" stood for (multiple sclerosis). For the last few years, he has talked publicly about how this illness has impacted his life.

Video: Dr. Katz's Thanksgiving

In this episode of the old Comedy Central hit Dr. Katz: Professional therapist, Ben cooks Thanksgiving dinner for his family.

Want to read about other great Thanksgiving events? Check out more TurkeyQuest.

TurkeyQuest Special: Read "Memory Lane," Jack Mathews's (one-time movie critic for the Los Angeles Times and USA Today) touching remembrance of his last Thanksgiving with his late friend, Burt Lane.